How to stop being a douche

Stay away from the bathroom, I’m staying away from you!

It’s not a big deal.

This isn’t the time to talk about sex.

You know, I know I’ve said before that the best way to win in football is to be a dud.

The best way is to avoid talking about it at all.

I know that when you’re talking about things like this, you might think, well, you’re a bit off.

You can’t do this to me.

You might say: You’re not even here, are you?

It’s a very, very different situation when I’m at the club, I can’t be bothered to explain myself.

If you’re going to talk, let’s talk about football.

But I won’t have a word.

And if you want to talk to me about football, I won ‘t have a reply.

If I’m talking to you about my own behaviour, then I won’t be talking to anyone else.

I’ll be talking about football with a smile on my face.

I’m the kind of person who will do anything for a drink.

It’s what you’re supposed to do.

You’re supposed.

If a man wants to talk with you, he’ll talk to you.

And you know what, I don’t even think about my health, but if I’m not going to do that, what’s the point of going?

If you ask me to stay away from a woman and you’re looking for a reason, I’ll give you a reason why you shouldn’t go.

You don’t get a good reason.

I think that’s the difference between being a dutiful son and a duke.

If someone wants to make a complaint about me, I think he needs to talk.

And I’ll not just go on and on about football; I’ll make a point of not having a conversation with a woman.

I can understand the frustration, because you’ve been there.

If she’s not going, then you’re the person who has to do it.

And the problem is, if she’s gone, I feel it’s your fault, you have to blame yourself.

You didn’t tell me to go away.

But you’ve not told me to be nice to her.

I don, I’ve told you to leave me alone.

So, how can I be nice?

I’m sorry, I guess you can’t say that.

I’ve got nothing to say to you; I can only do that.

So you’re saying, you want me to say something?

Well, if you’re not nice to me, why are you there?

You’ve just made me feel worse than I already feel.

You’ve made me so angry that I’m going to have a heart attack.

You were the one who asked me to leave.

It is you, it is you.

You had no right to be here.

You could’ve stayed and played.

But then, when you leave, it’s my fault.

It was the only way to make me feel better, to make it seem that you weren’t angry with me.

But why?

I don’ want to be the person to blame for everything.

I want to stay here.

That’s why I’m here.

And when I look at you, I see that I’ve done everything.

If it were me, you’d want me gone.

I’d have nothing to talk and nothing to do, and if I wanted to go somewhere else, I’d go to a nightclub, or to a hotel.

So why do you want it so badly?

Why don’t you tell me what happened?

Why did you make me so upset?

Why are you angry?

If there was a chance that you’d tell me, then maybe you’d stop talking.

But if I had no reason to be angry, then why would you tell you?

I’ve been so good, I thought you were nice.

But, then, I suddenly realise that you’re angry.

That you don’t deserve a reply to your problems.

I hope you don’ feel the same.

I pray you don’, too.

Thank you.

[Pause] Thank you, thank you, God, thank yer.

[Cue silence.]

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